(Script) Birthday Turkey
G-She’s good, she’s just not good for you.
B-Explain that to me. What does that mean? “She’s good, just not good for you.”
G-It’s like—Turkey’s good at thanksgiving, but you don’t want it on your birthday.
B-That’s your answer? What does that mean? I’m always happy with a little turkey and mashed potatoes—I mean, who would complain? Everyone likes turkey and potatoes.
G-She does bad things to you man.
B-The only reason you don’t like her is because she doesn’t think your dead baby jokes are funny.
G-Dead baby jokes are hilarious.
B-Not everyone has to like them.
(pause)
G-She talks like an English-major-flunky.
B-She has a big vocabulary.
G-She goes to art museums.
B-You go to art museums.
G-Yeah, but I don’t talk about it.
(Pause)
B-She makes me feel like I’m dreaming—
G-Turkey makes me sleepy.
B-I wish you could be friends with her.
G-Don’t get too gushy.
B-Don’t be bitter.
G-Don’t be weird.
B-I’m not being weird.
G-I feel like you are being weird.
B-I’m being weird? Ms. “Turkey’s-good-on-thanksgiving-but-not-on-your-birthday?”—you’re calling me weird?
G-You are weird.
B-I have to go for her. I called dibs on her and everyone heard me.
G-Who heard you?
B-Charlie and Frankie and the guys.
(Pause)
G-You shouldn’t eat turkey on your birthday.
B-But I love turkey.
G-Fine, but promise me something.
B-What?
G-Promise me something for real—
B-What already—
G-Don’t call me crying later.
B-I won’t call you crying.
G-Don’t call me.
B-I won’t call you.
(Awkward silence)
B-In my parents house, we have birthday cake on Christmas.
G-Birthday cake for who?
B-Jesus.
G-That’s weird.
B-Yeah—but I really like it.
